First kiss

QUESTION:

How soon should you date before that first kiss? I've been dating this guy going on 4 weeks now. He kissed me on my forehead a week ago. I thought that was special because it means he adores me. I want to take this friendship slow by waiting at least 3 months to become sexually involved.


ANSWER:

If you’re a woman, you should only have your first kiss when you feel like you want to. However, let the guy initiate. If he tries to kiss you on the first date and you prefer to be more demure, turn your cheek but be sure to let him know you had a good time. I think people move too fast to the physical part of a relationship and it’s almost expected that there be a passionate kiss on the first date. How about some anticipation? Don’t follow the crowd and do it just because it’s expected.

Back with my "ex"

QUESTION:

I am in a relationship with my ex again. In the beginning of it all he says how much he loves me, takes me to his family and does little things that make me happy like holding my hand when walking and meeting with me. What confuses me is that he doesn’t call me or text me. I do the calling because I love him. He has never surprised me with a gift but he'll never accept to totally break up with me. Can I hang on? Does he love me?


ANSWER:

The question is not "Can I hang on" but "Should I hang on"? Remember, actions speak louder than words. You will be a lot happier in life and in relationships if you give more importance to what people do and not what they say. Talk is cheap.

Does he love you? I doubt it. He doesn’t call or text, so how much can he really care? However, having said that, you are partly to blame in this situation. You say you do the calling. Author Pat Allen says: He who speaks first is male. This means, you are not letting him be the man when you are the one to initiate contact. Men are programmed to hunt and pursue. When you take that away from him, there is nothing to hunt. He’s probably confused because part of him wants to be with you and the other part doesn’t understand why he’s just not feeling it like he used to. This is why he won’t accept to totally break up with you.

You have the power here. Either stop calling him and give him a chance to pursue or end the relationship for good and move on.

Should I Lend A Man Money?

QUESTION:

I'm in a situation where I need to know if I should I stay in this relationship. I'm 40 years old and have been dating a man for about 9 months. 5 weeks ago he asked me to take out a loan for 1 thousand dollars. I could not believe it. I told him no. He blew up my phone because I did not do what he asked. He knows that I have good credit and extra money. He filed for chapter 13 last year. He cursed me out for not following his plan when it came to my money. I said your plan? This is my money to do whatever. Should I keep this kind of guy around?

ANSWER:

Your letter is a bit scary (okay, it’s very scary) because you have been alive for 4 decades and still need to ask whether it’s okay to keep this “kind of guy around." Sure, as a booty call. I want everyone reading this to listen up: Never, ever lend more than a few hundred dollars at a time to someone that you're dating. I’m willing to allow this small amount of money because I understand things happen, however, don’t let the amount build up. If they get an attitude about it, that’s a big, red flag.

He is obviously fiscally irresponsible, so how could you trust him to ever pay you back? And then he curses you out because you’re not his puppy dog doing whatever he wants? Someone using profanity towards you is always a red flag, but in this situation, I think it’s a black flag!

I suggest you cut off all communication with this guy immediately and permanently. Nothing good can come out of having him in your life.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes with dating and relationships, but I never made the mistake of lending a guy too much money (and 1 thousand is too much, unless you’re a millionaire). My fear of not having enough money has always been greater than my fear of not having a guy. May I suggest you adopt my attitude and you will never be ripped off.

I'm 33, she's 19. Can it work?

QUESTION:

I am 33, dating a girl of 19. We get along well and share the same dreams/goals. I buy her clothes, take her on trips, cook for her and do her laundry. It got to a point we were feeling like a married couple. I liked that. She too it seemed. Now she wants to break it off and be with other men. I don't want that. What should I do to save this?

ANSWER:

Forget her! Come over and cook/do laundry for me. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Okay, in all seriousness, she’s too young for you and you know it. Of course she wants to see other men. It’s called “sowing your wild oats”. Most people have to go through it and this is the age when she should be doing it. She’s probably only been dating for a few years, so she wants to explore the world and see what else is available. In the process she will grow and become an adult.

Attempting to hold onto her would be futile. She would eventually start to resent you. Remember, if you love someone, set them free. It’s not just a song but a universal truth. If you give her the space she needs, she may eventually decide you’re the one she wants to be with. If you try to hold on, she will definitely decide you’re not the one she wants to be with.

Why Don't Guys Like To Shop?

QUESTION:

What is your take on men who refuse to go into stores that are targeted for women (i.e. Victoria's Secret, Wet Seal)? Is it because they’re macho?

ANSWER:

What would I call a man that didn’t want to go with his girlfriend to women’s clothing stores? I’d call him: a man! This has nothing to do with being macho. There are two types of men: the ones that love to go shopping with their girl and see her try on different outfits and the ones that prefer to see the outfits after she has bought them. Don’t judge him for it and don’t try to force him to join you. How would you feel if he wanted you go to Home Depot or Pep Boys with him? Exactly!

Men are goal oriented and the thought of just wandering around a mall looking, trying things on and possibly not even buying anything doesn’t make sense to them. Instead, for women, it’s therapeutic. We LOVE to shop! Take a girlfriend or go alone.

Should I End It With A Married Man?

QUESTION:

I’ve been dating a married but separated man for over 6 months. When we first met he was separated from his wife of 8 years for 2 months. We really connected and enjoy dating each other. I’m taking it slow due to the circumstances. He has made no effort to file for divorce or even move his wife’s things out. She does not know of me and she wants to work things out with him-he does not. I know he cares a lot for me but I don’t want to be a rebound. Should I end it?

ANSWER:

Ughhh! What is it with you women who date married men? Aren’t there enough single men to go around? How would you feel if you were separated and wanted to reunite with your husband but he was doing (oops, I mean dating) someone else? People that are married should be left alone to either work things out or go their separate ways without third parties (that would be you) interfering.

Let’s look at the facts: He hasn’t filed for divorce, he hasn’t moved out his wife’s belongings, and he hasn’t told his wife about you. Sounds to me like he just wanted to take a break from being married for a while. He wanted to pretend he was single again, knowing that he could go back to his wife when he was ready. Should you end it? Hell yeah!

How Long Is The "Rebound" Period?

QUESTION:

How long is the "rebound" period?? I mean, how long does it usually take before a person can see someone else again seriously?

ANSWER:

I once read that for every year one is in a relationship, it takes two months to get over it. However, it once took me four months to get over someone I’d only gone out with for two months, so I don’t think there’s a formula. It depends on how deep your feelings for the person were, at what point the break up occurred and who initiated the breakup. Often people leave a relationship mentally and emotionally before they leave physically. This is why sometimes people can jump into another situation right away and it works out. I’d say: Let your feelings be your guide. Don’t rush it. Your heart will tell you when it’s ready to open up again.

How Do You Get Over A Break-up?

QUESTION:

How do you get over a break up when you're in love with someone who is not in love with you? I don't sleep around and drink, so other options, please.

ANSWER:

I’m glad you don’t want to sleep around or drink. Most people associate the period after a breakup with destructive behavior. The fact that you’re heartbroken is already hurtful enough-why make things worse by abusing yourself?

I’ve always found that one of the best ways to get over someone is to focus on work and career. Take advantage of this alone time to concentrate on your professional goals. As things start happening for you, you’ll start to feel better and before you know it, your ex will not be the foremost thing on your mind.

Also, take this time to spend time with family and close friends. Get out, do things and try to have fun. Life must go on, and you’ll survive.

Why Don't Guys Make The First Move?

QUESTION:

What are some things that would make a guy not approach a girl when she has always shown an interest, is friendly and open to conversation with him? Does the saying still stand that if a guy really likes someone, he would do whatever to get the girl, even though he may be shy?

ANSWER:

Yes, if a guy is interested, he will do what he has to, to get the girl. The issue is that so many guys today have the attitude that they’re going to let the women chase them. This makes for lazy men and confused women (such as yourself). However, you can bet your bottom dollar (whatever that means) that if a guy is interested in a girl and she has shown interest but isn’t making a move to ask him out, that he will eventually step up to the plate. There could be several reasons for your male friend acting this way 1.) He’s already involved 2.) He’s waiting to see if you’ll make a move. 3.) He’s not interested. 4.) He's gay. I say: Wait. If he’s interested and available, he’ll eventually ask you out.

Do I Need Therapy?

QUESTION:

I am 24 years old and I have gone through three rough relationships - the last one being the worst. I dated a single mother who cheated on me with her baby's dad. After this happened, it was over. It has been two years and I have not gone out with any women since. I basically gave up. I often think that I need a therapy. I see someone but I just think negatively and don’t ask for number or a date. What can I do to get my confidence back?

ANSWER:

You’re too young to be so down on love. You had 3 relationships by the time you were 22. I say that’s 3 too many. Your late teens and early twenties should be about having fun and keeping it light. You want to find out who you are and what you like.

Scientists at the NIH campus at Bethesda, Md. recently found out that the part of the brain that weighs risks, makes judgments and controls impulsive behavior isn’t fully mature until age 25. This means you shouldn’t even be thinking about a serious relationship until your next birthday.

Since your last break up was so devastating that you haven’t dated in 2 years, I would say some therapy would help. You will eventually get your confidence back. Use the experience from your previous relationships to make better choices in the future.

Should I Ask Guys Out?

QUESTION:

Most of the time, the more I like a guy, the less I will call him to talk or chit chat, or to invite him out. I would prefer that guys take the initiative in this. Do guys find this a turn off? Would they take this to mean I wasn’t interested in them?

ANSWER:

Guys are hunters by nature. They actually enjoy the thrill of the chase and the challenge. This is why spectator sports are so popular – they get to channel that energy into their favorite team. Don’t take away their sense of anticipation by calling or asking them out. They won’t think you’re not interested. They’ll just see you as a challenge, and work that much harder. You really don’t need to do anything. Just sit back, relax, and see who shows up.

Should I Contact My Ex?

QUESTION:

Should I make any attempt to contact my ex to say that I forgive her. Our relationship ended badly with her going after someone else. I have all this resentment and it keeps me thinking about her. I have tried to stop dwelling over it but I feel it's the only option I have left. I feel I need to make peace.

ANSWER:

Have you heard the expression, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself”. People think that forgiving someone means the other person has “won” and they’ve somehow “lost”. As with most things in today’s world, that is the total opposite of how it really is. You forgive someone so that you can have peace within yourself. By holding onto anger and resentment, you are still holding onto that person, even if they are no longer in your life.

You’re still carrying a cross that bears her name. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. If someone is angry with you, they still care on some level. That’s why people in dysfunctional relationships try to make each other angry-that way they know the other person still cares.

If you’ve truly forgiven her, take what positive lessons you’ve learned from being with her and move on with your life. There’s really no need to call her. She probably couldn’t care less whether you forgive her or not. Let it go.

Is She Interested In Me?

QUESTION

You know the woman likes you, but right before you give her your digits, she says: "I'm really not looking for anyone. We'll have a beer or two once in a while but that's it." Why else would she ask for my number? I don't like to be that someone to have on the side, just in case.

ANSWER:

Well, I hate to tell you, but that’s exactly what she wants. If a woman is interested in a guy as more than a friend, she would rarely, if ever say, “I’m really not looking for anyone.” Now it’s up to you whether you want to go out a few times and see if you can change her original opinion of you (as just a potential friend) or pass on it altogether.

How Can I Be More Alluring?

QUESTION:

I need to be more alluring...more mysterious. I'm very friendly and funny, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'd like to keep that part of my personality, but I want guys to think I'm a bit mysterious too. What are some things I could do to appear that way?

ANSWER:

I think this is something that needs to be addressed. Girls today are letting it “all hang out” – in more ways than one. In general, European girls are able to be more alluring than American girls, so I have to believe it's a cultural thing. I’ve noticed this difference mainly during interviews on The Tonight Show. American women talk about anything and everything and are all over the place with their gestures and conversation. Europeans, on the other hand, are usually more reserved and mysterious. I remember Jay Leno telling Sophia Loren that many women had walked onto that stage, but hers was the classiest entrance.

Being mysterious is about not saying everything that’s on your mind. Guys already think most women talk too much, so cutting back will immediately set you apart from the crowd. Don’t always let your whereabouts be known and don’t ask too many questions about things that are inconsequential. Don’t always return calls right away and don’t ask questions such as: Where were you? Why didn’t you call sooner? When can we get together again? Most women can’t do this, but those that do, will get the most positive attention.

I"m Attracted to a Female Player

QUESTION:

I am totally in love with this girl...and I know that I can't have her. Even if I did get her, it wouldn't be a very healthy relationship. Simply put, I could never trust her. She is kind of a "bad girl/player," which isn't even my type! Also, we don't seem to have too much in common, either...but I have never been so attracted to someone in my life.

Why do I want her so bad?? I can't figure this one out. There doesn't appear to be any chance for happiness, but I still can't help myself. In fact, I am actually "taking a break" from her & haven't talked to her in over 2-weeks. This doesn't seem to be working either.


ANSWER:


Your first sentence has the answer to all your questions. You know you can’t have her, and therefore, you want her. People that are emotionally immature want things they can’t have, simply because they’re hard to get. This is why everyone says they want a Ferrari. Well, I’ve been in several Ferraris, and I’ve gotta tell you, I don’t. They’re hard to get in and out of and all the other cars on the road are towering over you.

You’re not in love with her. Don’t be so frivolous with such an important word. Love is admiration and respect, and you can’t feel that for someone you don’t trust. The fact that you are so into her means that she is your type, otherwise, you wouldn’t be interested. Players are not my type therefore I’m not attracted to them, available or not.

You’re right, staying away isn’t going to help. It’s like telling yourself you have to lose weight and you must stay away from pizza, so guess what’s always on your mind? You know the oven is hot, but you still want to touch it, so I say, go ahead. Everyone needs to have their heart broken a few times before they wise up and learn it’s better to run, not walk, from this type of person.

How Do I Tell A Guy I Have Feelings For Him

QUESTION:

How do I tell a guy that I have feelings for him without making myself completely vulnerable?

ANSWER:

There is absolutely no way to tell someone you have feelings for them without being vulnerable in some way, unless of course you don’t care what their reaction is. I’m assuming you do, and you hope the feelings are reciprocal. You didn’t say if this is a boyfriend or someone you hope will become one. I’m going to assume he’s not your boyfriend and suggest you keep it light, very light. Say something like, “You’re a really nice guy. I have a lot of fun with you.” That’s it. Say it casually, without expecting anything in return. Say it in person so you can gage his reaction better and go from there.

I Hate My Girlfriend's Friends

QUESTION:

I really love my girlfriend, but I absolutely despise her friends. I just don't like them. What should I do?

ANSWER:

I find that hard to believe. You’ve heard the saying, “Birds of a feather flock together?” She must have something in common with them, something she sees in them that she identifies in herself. You’re either choosing not to see in your girlfriend the negatives you see in her friends, or you’re choosing not to see the positives in her friends that you see in your girlfriend. Does that make sense? So, your options are: open your eyes, break up with her or keep interactions with her friends to a minimum.

My Boyfriend Feels Smothered

QUESTION:

What does it mean when your boyfriend tells you that he feels smothered and like he can't breath around you sometimes?

ANSWER:

It means exactly that - he feels smothered. Are you a clinging vine? Do you let him have time to himself or do you need to know where he is every minute? Everyone needs time alone and/or with friends. No one likes to be constantly checked up on. How often do you call him? I bet it’s several times a day. Way too much. What are you insecure about? Do you think you need to check up on him to make sure he doesn’t meet someone else? The irony is that eventually, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy – he’ll be so sick of you that he will want to be with someone else. Back off!

My Boyfriend Changed His Mind About Me Moving In

QUESTION:

I was in a three year relationship and had plans to move in. From one moment to another my boyfriend’s feelings changed. He claims to be confused. He tells me he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He was the one to ask me to move in, he brought up children and marriage. I know he has been badly influenced by his friends, who are all single. I feel like I got the short end of the stick. Should I assume there was someone else or that he was afraid of commitment? Should I let things go or work to make him understand?

ANSWER:

When someone says “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” it means “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.” People say this when they want to end a relationship, but don’t know what to say. It sounds innocent enough, because, after all, your ex is still saying he loves you. The statement makes it seem as if something suddenly came over him and he’s not in love any more. Puh-leese. His feelings did not change from one moment to the next. He’s been feeling this way for a while, but either managed to hide it or you chose to overlook the red flags.

Even if he was influenced by his friends, do you want a relationship with a man whose friends have a say in your life together? You may think you “got the short end of the stick” but frankly, if you’re a religious person, you should get on your knees and thank God for saving you from many years of misery. Who cares what the reason was? The bottom line is that he no longer wants to be with you and you cannot make him do anything. He understands what he needs to understand and that is, that he no longer wants to be with you. He’s not confused. Sorry to sound so harsh, but it’s better to face the truth now and move on with your life than to waste years and eventually look back in regret.

My Girlfriend Has Gained a Lot of Weight

QUESTION:

My girlfriend has gained a lot of weight since we started dating two years ago. It’s to the point now I’m not as attracted to her as I once was. I love her and have tried to drop hints but she gets very defensive. I started working out to be an example to her but I haven't seen any changes. I'd hate to lose her to it but I know I won't be happy if she doesn't try to change.

ANSWER:

This is a common problem, but most people don’t want to say anything for fear of appearing shallow. I have another perspective. Believe it or not, her weight gain isn’t the biggest problem in your relationship. The fact that she refuses to discuss it is the bigger issue. Being in an intimate relationship means that you should be able to talk about anything, and I do mean anything. Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s not supposed to be a place where you go to hide, which is what your girlfriend is doing.

There’s a reason she’s put on all that weight, and the fact that she won’t even talk about it is unfair to you. She’s basically saying, “Take it or leave it” by her actions. You say you’d hate to lose her because of it, but she doesn’t seem to care whether she loses you because of it. The discussion you need to have with her is the one about the fact that two people who have been dating for two years should be able to talk about anything and you’re bothered that she won’t do this. If you’ve decided that you’re willing to leave if she doesn’t make an attempt to change, let her know. This may be the motivation she needs to change her eating and exercise habits.

My Boyfriend Won't Kiss Me

QUESTION:

My boyfriend won't kiss me, and only wants sex about twice a month. How can I get him to want me more?

ANSWER:

You can’t get someone to do something they don’t want to do. They’re either inspired to do it or they’re not. Has it always been like this or has the situation changed recently? If this is how it’s always been, things aren’t likely to change. You need to decide if this is the type of relationship you want. If you don’t have a high sex drive, then twice a month shouldn’t be a problem.

If however, you need more sex, that’s a different story. If it’s been this way from the start, then your boyfriend probably doesn’t have a high sex drive. If this is a recent development, then you need to ask him what’s going on. The no kissing bothers me. It almost sounds like he’s treating you like a booty call. You need to have a talk and you may eventually need to walk.

Internet Dating

QUESTION:

I've been dating a man I met on the internet for 3 months. He has told me he is in love with me but his profile is still active. Does this mean he is a player?

ANSWER:

You don’t truly love someone after 3 months. You may have a deep affection for and feel happy around that person, but it’s not love with a capital L. I’d be wary of anyone that declared themselves so quickly. Someone that is that quick to rush in, will be just as quick to rush out. If he hasn’t taken down his profile, it means he wants to keep his options open, even though he’s “in love”. I say, “Buyer beware”.

When Should We Have "The Talk"?

QUESTION:

How much time after beginning to date someone should a girl wait to have 'the talk'? I've been dating someone for a month now but don't know where we stand...whether we're just having fun or if it's monogamous. I want to ask but I'm not sure if it's too soon right now.

ANSWER:

When you first start to date someone, you need to keep two things in mind:

Assume that person is seeing other people and don’t assume they want a committed relationship with YOU.

One month is definitely too soon to be having any kind of “we” talk. You barely know this person. How do you know you even want to be in a monogamous relationship with them? Your attitude when you first start to see someone should be, “Show me who you are, and I’ll decide where you fit into my life”. Don’t automatically assume they would be good boyfriend/girlfriend material. You’re not seeing the true person because they are on their best behavior. You’re actually meeting their “press agent”.

Let time be your guide. If they invite you to family functions, want to see you every weekend, and talk to you almost every day, you’re safe to assume you’re his/her main squeeze. Only then should you ask whether he considers you his friend or more.